There are plenty of resources – both written and online – that aim to help people work through their mental health struggles, from anxiety to depression. But what if you’re someone on the other side – who’s watching your friend, family member, or loved one experience wave after wave of difficult emotions.

And while it doesn’t compare to struggling with it firsthand, a lot of us may also feel helpless and lost in the face of not knowing what to do or how to help. With that said, you won’t be able to “fix” them – and you shouldn’t – but as someone close to them, you are able to lend a hand in helping them feel less alone and burdened.

Here are some of the ways you can help someone you love who is going through depression or any other mental health struggle.

Listen

Probably one of the most important things you can do for someone who is struggling is to let them know that you’re there for them, and to listen. Those who feel isolated or alone may feel that way because of their own negative interactions with people, so make sure that you can lend an ear to them, and let them know that you’re there wholeheartedly to hear them out.

With that said, don’t interrupt them while they’re talking to give impromptu advice or treat each expression as an opening for you to give advice. Some people really just want to talk about how they feel – not necessarily to look for advice from others.

Be patient

If you were going through depression or anxiety, oftentimes it can get really exhausting to have to repeatedly explain to each person in your life about the issues you deal with. Rather than rely on your friend or loved one to school you on their problems, read up and do your own research on not just the condition – but the symptoms, causes, and treatments on your own. Though do keep in mind that everyone experiences and reacts to depression differently – but at least familiarising yourself with the general terminology and symptoms can help you achieve a better connection with those you care about.

Avoid toxic positivity

For yourself and for the one you’re supporting. Mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety are no laughing matter, and oftentimes require professional treatment. It can be incredibly difficult for those who don’t have to experience it to fully understand what it feels like, and it definitely cannot be cured or alleviated with seemingly hopeful phrases such as “You should be grateful for what you have”, “Just don’t think about it”, “Mind over matter”, or “It could be worse”.

There is a very fine line between encouraging positivity and toxic positivity, the latter being you unknowingly trying to manipulate someone into minimising their problems or that their suffering isn’t valid. Everyone has their own issues and deals with them differently, and it’s unfair to belittle their problems just because others have it worse – just like how having experienced your own fair share of trauma doesn’t necessarily mean you’re right.

Encouraging positivity can look like you showing an honest interest that you wish to help and understand them, that you’re there for them, and reminding them that you enjoy certain aspects of them or even their company. This shows that you’re genuine, and reaffirms their trust in you.

Don’t take it personally

It’s not uncommon for people going through depression or an episode to lash out at you in anger or frustration, or reacting in a despondent way to you despite your efforts. Try not to take things personally, as it’s not your fault, nor theirs for suffering. If you feel like you’re emotionally drained, feel free to take a step back and take a break for yourself, before coming back to check up on them. It’s important to avoid saying or doing things that might add oil to the flame, as well as to not end up blaming yourself or those you care about.

Don’t forget about yourself

You won’t be able to support or be there for someone else if you yourself are feeling overwhelmed and depleted. While it’s important to be there for people and be patient, you can’t neglect your own needs and be a full time crutch to someone. Look at it this way, if you end up putting all your energy into your friend or loved one, you’ll have very little left for yourself. Eventually, you’ll end up feeling frustrated, exhausted, or even burned out – which won’t help anyone, including yourself.

Related: How to practice realistic self-care (when spas and dining out don’t cut it).

Set healthy boundaries for yourself, like seeing them twice every week instead of every single day. If you’re worried about leaving them alone, offer to help them come up with a contingency plan that can help them cope on their own – whether it’s calling a hotline or involving other friends to help build a bigger support network.

Educate yourself

If you were going through depression or anxiety, oftentimes it can get really exhausting to have to repeatedly explain to each person in your life about the issues you deal with. Rather than rely on your friend or loved one to school you on their problems, read up and do your own research on not just the condition – but the symptoms, causes, and treatments on your own. Though do keep in mind that everyone experiences and reacts to depression differently – but at least familiarising yourself with the general terminology and symptoms can help you achieve a better connection with those you care about.

Support them in getting professional help

There will be bad days when that person may not feel like moving or doing anything – let alone continue taking their medication or continuing therapy. This is the time to encourage them to stick with it, perhaps by suggesting: “That last session was productive and you managed to feel better after that – maybe this next one could help too?”

As for medication, since you are in no position to tell them yes or no in that situation, try encouraging them to talk to their doctor or psychiatrist about it – rather than leaving the issue untouched. A sudden change in medication without professional supervision can have serious consequences, so make sure you keep an eye out for this.